Has it been a week already? I'm not sure what I've done to amuse myself thus far. Sitting at home and being useless isn't as exciting as it sounds. It took me about 4 or 5 days to recover from surgery. I'm tired, but not as sore. My breathing is normal again and I'm feeling like myself.
So far I'm down almost 10lbs. And even though I know that's a lot in one week, I still have fears this surgery won't work for me. I hear the stories about women getting surgery and losing 100lbs only to gain all of it (and then some) back! What if I don't lose? I'm just so afraid I put all my hopes into this and I'm going to fall flat on my face.
I'm starving! I feel like I now know what it's like to be anorexic. It didn't bother me the first 4 or 5 days. I didn't feel like eating. But the last few days I've felt like I could chew off my fingers. And the hunger pains... they hurt! I'm supposed to be on liquids until Sunday, but I think I'm going to cheat and eat soft foods on Saturday. I don't know if I can take another whole week of slim fast, yogurt, and pudding! I want actual FOOD! Grrrr.
Lap Band
6/9/08
272/262.6/?
Ouch! I'm surprised I'm feeling well enough to sit at a computer. I had surgery yesterday, and holy shit I wasn't prepared for the pain that came along with it. Everyone said the pain would be pretty moderate. I've had 2 children and the pain afterwards compared to that of labor pains. My surgeon was great, but the staff had NO clue what they were doing. I was being taken care of by regular hospital staff and not bariatric staff. Let me see where it went wrong first... After waking up from surgery I told the nurse I couldn't breath and I was in a lot of pain. She said I couldn't breath because of the pain and just gave me more pain meds. A couple hours later... still feeling the pain, still not able to breath, give me more pain meds. Then they sent me off to radiology for an Upper GI. I told the nurse I had just had surgery earlier that day, but she was pretty rough with me anyhow, making it all the worse. Then they gave me some liquid to drink and sip through a straw. I told her I wasn't allowed to use straws and she said it should be fine and do it anyways, so I did, like 8 times. After leaving radiology I was in even MORE pain. I wanted to cry, but it hurt when I cried. The pain was overwhelming. On the way to recovery the guy taking me there let the doors shut on my bed, jostling me about even more. As soon as I got into recovery, I told the nurse my pain was unbearable! She said they had already gave me a lot of pain meds. I said I don't care what you've given me, I'm in a LOT of pain! So she left and I hadn't heard from her after about 30 minutes. I had no call button because it was hanging on the wall and she never gave it to me. So I took the oxygen monitor off my finger and let it buzz for 5 minutes until she came to check on me. I told her I was still in pain and she said she didn't feel comfortable giving me more pain meds and that she would get someone from the bariatric department down. Why didn't she do this when I first complained? Oh, and I STILL was unable to take a deep breath at this point. Once the bariatric nurse was there, she told me it was all gas build up and I needed to walk. So that I did. It was incredibly painful but I walked and walked and walked some more. And then oops, my pain pump came out. *heavy sigh* The nurse said there was nothing they could do for me about that. I was discharged shortly after. My husband has been amazing, as has my mom. I was in a lot of pain after coming home last night. I had to sleep sitting up on the couch. I'm breathing better today and the pain is much more manageable. I think I'm over the hump! I just can't believe what an awful experience I had. It seemed like none of the "normal" hospital staff was equipped or knowledgeable enough to take care of me. I'm going to write a letter to my surgeon and the hospital. |
Today is the BIG day. It's finally here! I've been through a car accident, poison ivy, and laryngitis for this surgery. I'm ready. I'm scared. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I know this is the beginning of a new life. I'm anxious to see where this journey takes me. How will I change physically and emotionally... how much this will better my life... I never do enough for myself. I always put everyone first. This decision is for ME! Time to take care of me, to give myself a gift.
I joked to myself that my love affair with food must stop. We have to break up. We can't stop seeing each other, considering we have a body to take care of and all. But we can only see each other under strict supervised visits. Hehe.
Okay. Time to go.
- Location:@ work
I do look forward to seeing how differently people will react to me. Strangers, family, friends. I was always the funny / fat girl. I'll be losing part of my identity. I will no longer have my weight to crack on, time to look for some new material.
I think the thing I look forward to most... is dressing up for my husband. That seems nothing less than delightful. I love being a woman. I love smelling delicious. I love make-up and high heels. I love short skirts and low cut shirts. I made a deal with hubby, that once I reach my goal weight, he is taking me to The Garden in Columbus (Ohio) to pick out an outfit.... head to toe!
*grin* I have so much to look forward to.
- Location:@ work
I haven't quite figured out what I'm going to do about Davis (my 10 month old baby) after the surgery. Even if he is walking by then, he'll need to be picked up somewhat every day. They told me no picking him up for 6 weeks! WWWhat? So hubby will be getting a whole lot more responsibility in regards to the kids. I'm alone on my days off though, so I'm not sure how that will work out. I might break down and ask my in-laws to keep him for the first week.
Wow. So I'm really going through with this.
- Location:@ home
I went to two appointments yesterday at the Weight Loss Surgery Center. The first was with a psychologist and the second with an exercise physiologist. Only one appointment left! I have to see a dietician later today. Then they will submit the information to insurance. Ideally, I'll have surgery by the end of the month.
Both appointments went well. The psychologist said he thought I was a good candidate for the surgery. He said I seemed well educated and ready to committ to this life change. Of course he touched upon the whole you need to take time for yourself crap that I really didn't want to talk about. But, he's right! My emotional/stress eating is out of control and I need another outlet to express myself. Maybe this can be my outlet.
The physiologist is charming and attractive. Of course he killed the mood when he told me I could lose 120lbs. Such a turn off! I haven't quite wrapped my mind around that significant amount of a weight loss. Even when I was "smaller" and dieting, I still never set my expectations to anything smaller than a size 10. I'm not sure if I was trying to be realistic, or if that is just all that I felt I was capable of. How do you prepare for something like that? I'm looking to lose the weight of an entire person.
I used to view weight loss surgery as a personal failure. I didn't apply that judgement to anyone else that I knew whom had recieved it, only upon myself. Most likely because that is how the majority of my family would view it as well. Only my mother, my husband, and a few select friends know of my impending surgery. Unfortunately the majority of my family is judgemental. This is my body and my decision and I don't need their approval. I'm not one to care what other people think, but I also try not to put myself out there to be judged. Anyone that hasn't dealt with being seriously overweight can not fully empathize with what it is like to live with obesity. It's not just about the way I feel physically, it's much more emotional than your average body image issues. Society is harsh. But I the person I am today is a sum of all my experiences, and I like me. I know that a great deal of my character has to do with the way I've dealt with society's reaction to my life long weight problem.
I no longer view surgery as a personal failure. When I made the decision to do this for myself, my view in regards to surgery had already changed. But I know I'm giving myself an opportunity to have a better life. I'm not just enriching my life, but my children's lives.
- Location:@ work
- Mood:
sick
So after crying on the floor in my closet... in my ugly maternity pants... I just knew I had to do something drastic. I won't go into all of my failed attempts at dieting. Trust me, my whole life has been a diet. I might be successful at some point, but it's only short term. And I've been seriously overweight for 5 years now. Enough dicking around, I need to fix this.
A lot goes into a decision like this. Although I feel like a light bulb went off in my head, committing to weight loss surgery is not something I step into lightly. This is huge. This is life changing. This is somewhat permanent.
The first step was to do some research. I went online and searched for stories good and bad. Of course I want to hear about all the success, but I need to be honest with myself that I'm taking a risk here. I had to be 100% behind this decision or I wasn't going through with it.
I found an informational session was given weekly at one of my local hospitals. They were also considered a Bariatric Center of Excellence. Hmmm. Intriguing. So my husband and I attended a session and soaked it all in. One of their doctors spoke and she described the different options of surgery. She gave us realistic expectations and the possible "down falls" of each surgery. Sitting through the session I felt like she was speaking directly to me. I'm surprised I didn't just break down in tears in the middle of her speech.
After everything I had read, and hearing what the doctor had to say, I knew lap band surgery was the right decision for me. And even though I had my mind made up, I continued to research online the surgery and experiences of patients whom recieved it. I also spoke to my family physician and recieved her blessing.
So that was less than two months ago. I've had to fill out moderate amounts of paperwork and now the process really begins. I have two appointments today, one is with a psychologist and the other with exercise physiologist. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a dietician. After these appointments, and after obtaining 5 years of medical records from my family physician, the information will be submitted to my insurance company for approval. I am realistically looking to recieve surgery by the end of the month. I can hardly wait.
- Location:@ work
- Mood:
hopeful
I wish I could blame the weight on my pregnancy. But truth be told I only gained a whopping 4lbs through it all. I lost the weight elsewhere and after the baby came I dropped 30lbs within a couple of weeks. But it wasn't long before those good eating habits ( that I had developed solely because the hormones made me too sick to eat anything fried or sweet or really fricken delicious) had been forgotten and I was back to eating too much of the yummy/unhealthy food I love so much.
I wonder how I got here. I'm sure most women significantly overweight feel the same way. I've always been plus sized, but now I'm out of control. The "skinniest" I ever was in high school was a size 12, and I felt like a whale. Now I would cut off my right arm, or better yet cut into my stomach, to be a size 12. Things went downhill after my first child. My weight was manageable before then. I was probably a size 14. I know that seems HUGE to a lot of people, but in my eyes it doesn't seem to compare to the size 20 I am now. Once again it wasn't really the pregnancy weight that sent me over the edge, it was the depression. It wasn't just post-partum depression, it was my boyfriend beats the shit out of me depression. I ate to comfort myself, and *poof* here I am today... large and miserable.
On a happier note, my life has completely turned around. I have an amazing husband and a new baby. And in less than a month the adoption will be final and my oldest son's birth father will be out of the picture for good. Well, legally speaking anyhow. I've gained friends back. I've gained happiness. I've gained my life back. But I still have all this weight from that horrible relationship weighing me down. It's a constant reminder of what I went through. Of how I changed as a person. Of how I suffered because of him.
But it's not for the emotional issues, as fucked up as they may be. And it's not for my secret desire to look great naked or unbelievably hot in a mini skirt. It's because I want to live. I feel like I'm living the abbreviated version of my life. I have a lot of health problems because of the weight. I have chronic back pain. I have RLS. I am tired on a daily basis. And I'm on the fast track to diabetes and so much more if I don't make a major life change.
I have two young boys and a husband that adores me. I don't want to be too tired to play soccer with my kids. I don't want to be too self conscience to get into a bathing suit when I take them too the pool. I don't want to continue to put my life in danger and risk them not having a mother at all. I'm killing myself, slowly.
- Location:@ work
- Mood: hopeful
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